Todays Readings: Monday of the third week of Lent
After my abortions, I was so afraid of God. I felt I had done the “unforgiveable”.
I had an abortion when I was 16 and another at 18… This anguish seemed appropriate to my underdeveloped brain. After all, I had ended the life of my children. My only recourse seemed to be running from God and drowning my sorrow in all the wrong things. But something called to me from my memories. The smell of a church and the incense that lingers, the candles burning, a faint fragrance of Chrism used to anoint. There is something there that transcends the chaos of the busy world around us, something like a peaceful presence.
Before my healing I would attend Sunday mass and every time I heard a prolife prayer I cringed. Not because I didn’t want them to be prayed, but because I was ashamed. I tried to join a prayer group once and was even afraid of the people who were a part of it. They seemed so close to God. I found myself wondering if they would “get a word” about me or my sins if they were to pray over me.
I ended up confiding in them quite a bit, but still I kept God at bay, in the distance. Then one day at the prayer group, I felt His presence. I was so afraid that I was shaking. I remember shaking that same way in the waiting room of the abortion clinic. But this time, in the presence of Jesus, I began to feel peace and calm- the kind of calm I feel in church.
This calm began my metamorphosis, gradually, and I began to risk having a more honest and open relationship with Jesus. I stopped running. I let Him into my heart, and I found Mercy, Love and Forgiveness. Meditating on today’s scriptures reminded me of an excerpt in St Faustina’s diary: Divine Mercy in My Soul, where Jesus tells her that the vessel which is needed to receive His Mercy is trust.
I am so grateful He gave me the grace to keep going back to church. It took a long time to find healing, but the Lord truly deals out of kindness and offers great Mercy. He eventually called me to be a therapist who helps others heal from abortion. I am reminded of how applicable todays first reading is to my life, and the lives of other’s who are still out there hurting after an abortion.
For those who trust in you cannot be put to shame.
And now we follow you with our whole heart,
we fear you and we pray to you.
Do not let us be put to shame.
but deal with us in your kindness and great mercy.
Jesus, I trust in You! Eileen C