(Found this article and thought it was worth sharing again!)
Stuck in the Middle Again 1995
For years after my abortion I longed to talk to someone who would legitimize the pain I was feeling. You gravitate towards those who will meet your needs. I was filled with guilt and shame and deeply mourning the baby I had lost, in silence. Our society does not speak about abortion unless it is in the context of the political debate.
Friends and family seem to think that if it is ignored you can go on with your life as if nothing has happened. Those of us in touch with our pain often find in time, the pro- life side to enroll with. Knowing too well that we killed our unborn child and how terrible it was, we feel a sense of connection, for after all, they are trying to end the destruction of the unborn.
Those of us who have fled from the guilt and pain through denial often find themselves in the pro-abortion ranks, defending abortion at any cost. To do otherwise would mean having to look at the reality of what we have done. It seems noble to protect a woman’s right to choose. Even necessary.
I have often likened it to the story of Judas who betrayed the innocent life of Christ. Instead of trusting in the love Jesus had for the apostles, and believing Jesus had their best interest at heart, Judas took the situation on himself. He thought he knew better. Not unlike those of us who found ourselves pregnant and in a difficult situation. Jesus was not doing things the way Judas wanted. Neither one of us listened to Him.
The Scribes and Pharisees were looking for someone to sell Jesus out and Judas fell right into their hands, betraying Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. We who were pregnant fell into the hands of a “woman’s choice” society.
After the arrest of Jesus, Judas felt instant remorse. The reality of what he had done sunk in and Judas realized what a grave mistake he had made. Filled with grief and shame, he returned to the Scribes and Pharisees and gave them back the thirty pieces of silver, but they wanted no part of him. They had accomplished what they had set out to do and now told him in his despair “what do we care about that…it is your business.” An echoing of the denial of the aftereffects of abortion on women in our society.
I am sure Judas thought he could never approach those who were mourning Jesus either, for he thought they would hate and judge him and would never understand his reasons for the betrayal, as wrong as they may have been. I am sure there were voiced thoughts among those who loved Jesus of “how can anyone do this” or “I would never do that if I were in his situation”. Judas left alone, gave in to despair, went and hanged himself.
It is too bad Judas didn’t realize that the one he could go to, the one who would have understood was Jesus Himself. There he would have found forgiveness and mercy and I am sure, would have become the greatest apostle, singing the praises of God.
The isolation often felt by post abortive people in our society speaks in volumes, the same message…” you killed your child…”we do not want to talk about it”…”it is your problem”. Yet the abortion debate continues to be one of the biggest issues in each election our country has.
The chants of a woman s right to choose are echoed in the pro-abortion candidate’s statements and speeches, as are the rights of the unborn in the pro-life candidates. But no one is willing to speak or to listen to the millions who know the truth about abortion… those who have lost their children.
Many women who have had abortions follow the path of Judas with self-destructive behavior. Their lives are filled with despair, addictions, promiscuity, shame, guilt, and yes sometimes even suicide. Others of us have been blessed in time and have gone to the ones who can heal us; God and our children, who are only too happy to offer us forgiveness and mercy. I’d like to think that we then become as Pope John Paul II says the “greatest advocates for life”. As the love shown to us by God increases and we find healing, we are dedicated to proclaiming the mercy and love of Jesus and are equipped to combat the evil of abortion with the truth we know full well.
Things have improved, there are more ministries and outreach by the church, but our words still often are ignored treating us as if we had no right to voice an opinion at all, for after all, we are ones who willingly killed our children. We can seek healing, but no one wants to listen to what we have to say. We need to keep in our place, still separated from our children. Like before our abortions, everyone else is all too ready to proclaim what is right and tell us what to do leaving us feeling compelled to pick sides depending on what we ourselves are experiencing.
I have found the truth is in the middle of this debate. Abortion is always wrong because it takes the life of an unborn child, but I also know that the lack of compassion and understanding and the quickness to judge those who have had abortions is also wrong. Although their bodies are still alive, these children of God have no life in them, for their souls are most times dead.
I believe abortion continues because both sides think they have the answers. “A women’s right to chose”, “Save the unborn”. The pride is often so strong that they too are committing the sin of Judas…they think they know better than Christ does.
I understand. Who am I to judge. Me who have needed so much mercy and have been forgiven and blessed to come to know in such depths the love of Christ. So, I reach out to those still suffering in the hopes my healing will give them the hope they need to be healed. I listen to their pain and legitimize their feelings…they are right on target. Most of all, I thank God that I am stuck in the middle now, knowing abortions truth through the light of His love.