Out of Control

I don’t like being pressured

I don’t like feeling out of control Head

I dislike self centeredness

I do not like aggressiveness

I hate it when I feel I am not being heard or my feelings do not matter

I get upset when I feel used

I hate being lied to or made to feel like I am crazy because I have been mislead

These are some of my “abortion connectors”. Situations in which the trauma of my abortion surfaces because of the coercion that took place in order to get me to abort. They are painful feeling, much more painful than the situation occurring in the present because they bring me into the past.

When I find myself overreacting to certain situations, I have learned to step back and take a look.  Is this a reaction to the present, or am I overreacting because I am being brought to that place of total abandonment and isolation and feeling completely out of control of my own life and situation.

The loss of control, and frankly bullying, that caused me to give in to aborting my son still lingers somewhere inside of me and probably always will in this life. I use to beat myself up all the time for giving in and relinquishing my life and the life of my unborn son to the pressures of people who were suppose to love me. Whatever their failings, like many of us in our human weakness, their fears became more powerful than the love they were suppose to have for me. It took me years before I could feel sorrow instead of anger for them. It only finally happened by the grace of God.

Abortion connectors can be very powerful. They can chart our lives if we do not learn what our personal connectors are, and work at healing and abating their power. This is hard to do without the support of those who know post abortion healing, whether that is a professional counselor, a ministry or others who have made the journey. It also takes a knowledge of the dynamics of abortion and most importantly a  trusting relationship with God(one step at a time), who gives us the perimeters  to keep us on course as we delve into the deep pain we may be holding on to,

It is only through walking through our experience,  coming to understand what happened and facing our connectors, that we can forgive, be forgiven and learn to live with joy again.

It is worth the journey!

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