If any of you are like me, you have a tendency to want to control things in your life. Somehow it brings with it a sense of security, and although a false one, we still cling to it.
After the experience of being out of control that my abortion brought me, the need to be in charge of my life became even more intense. No one was going to tell me what to do. Why would I listen to anyone after what had happened?
I felt betrayed by those I loved, those who were supposed to love me and be there for me. I felt abandoned, alone, and full of fear. While I wanted control, at the same time I did not trust myself or my decisions. It was a crazy place to be.
Beginning to trust in God was tough for me. How could anyone expect me to trust someone I could not even see? Yet, I made the decision to trust, one day at a time, finding I grew in trust because His words were true. What a relief! This trust and letting go, led me to Him, to my healing, and to a personal relationship that no one can take away from me.
The decision to trust is something I continue to make each day, over and over again, especially when I want things to go my way and His way is different than mine. True, I know Him now and on some level trust that He wants what is best for me, but there is still that part of me that thinks I know what is best. A part of me that is full of pride.
I pray to “die to self” and truly listen to His will for me. “Lord, that You may increase and I may decrease.” Sometimes I do it easily, but more often than not, it is a furious battle within me to let go.
As often in faith, there is a paradox. In the “letting go,” I find my greatest peace until I want to cling to the “letting go” itself, and then it too is gone. God comes to us in our poverty and it is only in our emptiness that He can fill us with Himself. In our acknowledgement of our need of Him, our knowing we are nothing without Him and all good comes from Him.
In healing from my abortion, I knew this need because of my complete desperation. With other things in life it is not so evident. Smaller things can be so difficult to see.
This Advent/Christmas season, I pray for poverty of heart so that my heart may be an empty stable waiting for the birth of the Christ child. I know that if He gives me this tremendous gift, I will find not only Christ living in me but my aborted son who is now “living in the Lord.” I will pray not to cling to this tremendous gift if He chooses to allow me to have it, but rather to rest in His presence with gratitude and love.
May your hearts also be His stable!