Allowing God to Love us

When I was driving to work a few days ago, I was filled with joy speaking to the Lord about all He has done for me!  So often my head is filled with “just the perfect words,” but when it comes time to write them or repeat them, I have no way of imprinting them quickly enough to make them stick.

I am filled with gratitude every day for everything that the Lord has done for me.  I am truly living a totally different life than I had in my past, a life filled with peace and joy, a life I never thought possible.  A LIFE FILLED WITH GOD’S LOVE.

I was an only child whose parents separated when I was 11.  Like many people, love wasn’t something I understood but I desperately wanted to experience.  Just before my 16^th birthday, I got pregnant and my mother’s reaction was that no daughter of hers was going to have a baby at 16 and ruin her life, so, she arranged for me to have an abortion in Puerto Rico.  Soon after I returned, my knight in shining armor arrived at my doorstep to carry me away.  When I was 20, we were married and it shouldn’t surprise you that it was a disastrous marriage.  We were both so broken, so empty, so young.  At 25, we divorced and my long, dark journey continued.  I kept the little house his father had lent us a down payment for and continued to work while going to night school to get my college education.  I met another man who seemed to adore me.  He was married.  He eventually left his wife and moved in with me even though I knew I didn’t love him. For nearly 13 years, we lived together before I became pregnant again, and this time I didn’t know who the father was because I was seeing another man. When I told Bill I was pregnant, he reminded me his son was nearly grown and he wasn’t crazy about being a father again, but it was my choice.  I told my mother I was pregnant and this time she coldly said,  a child will be your responsibility for the rest of your life.  “Oh, no, I thought.  How can I have this child? I can’t do it alone.”  So I called my gynecologist and arranged for an abortion at a local hospital.  A year or so after that, depression came into my life like it never did before. I became more of the person I never believed I could be. It was as if evil had totally taken me over.  On the outside I looked wonderful, the perfectly, worldly, successful woman. On the inside, I was dead, existing in darkness. I felt like I was in a black tunnel and couldn’t get out.  Soon, the outside resembled the inside. 

I rarely gave God a thought. I was brought up in a protestant family that really didn’t practice.  In 1992, someone invited me to go to a retreat at a Roman Catholic monastery in New Mexico. Something caught my attention at that retreat.  I felt safe at the  monastery.  There were people there who didn’t judge me or criticize me or want anything from me.   There was a “love” there that penetrated the air.  During the second week, I had a surprise encounter with another retreatant and spent my hours weeping about my abortions as she led me to the throne of Jesus, to meet him, to receive his forgiveness, to feel his love.  A sinful, horrid woman who had committed nearly every sin known to mankind heard my name called by the Lord.  He spoke to me!!! God spoke to this sinful woman in a voice so gentle and kind and loving. I realized that God existed. He was real!

Once I realized God’s true presence in my life, I next realized that if He forgave me, I now had to forgive myself, which wasn’t an easy task.  I learned that it was an offense to God to not accept His forgiveness.   To put in in a loving way, to receive is humility, it’s ACCEPTING.  If the Lord can forgive me than who am I to say thanks, Lord, but I’m greater than you and I know I’m the bottom of the barrel so I won’t accept your forgiveness. In saying “yes” to his invitation, I felt a strength that I never felt before. I felt peace in my life. Joy. Love. Security. Guidance. Understanding. Forgiveness. Hope. 

The only natural children I have in this life are Daniel and LaRissa.  I never can forget my abortions, but I don’t allow the forgiven sin to snatch me into Satan’s desire to convince me that I am not worthy of God’s love.  God wants to come into our Hearts.  If we say “YES” to Him, He will come and make His Home with us.  He will give us the desires of our hearts.

~Gail

 

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Are you living in darkness and depression after an abortion?
Unable to get past the pain of your loss?
There is Hope.  There is Healing.  There is a way out of the darkness.
Email us at lumina@postabortionhelp.org.
Call us at 1-877-586-4621 or 1-718-881-8008. 

For more information on post abortion healing, visit the Lumina website.