Our Hearts are Restless

If I could change anything about my life it would be to never have aborted my two children. But I did it, and there is no turning back. Since facing my abortions, my life had been a nightmare, but also a wake up call.  I had no other choice but to take the opportunity to take a closer look at myself and the way I was living my life. I was desperate and had to do something. My life was in danger because of the depression I was living in.

577472_164749427024002_1710412968_n (2)

That’s when I was blessed to come across Lumina while browsing on the web looking for support.  I emailed the site and got a call right away. For the first time, I felt understood and comforted.  I was also a bit puzzled that a stranger would read into me so well and would help me more than my loved ones.

As much as I was touched to have found someone that offered me genuine help, I was also wondering why a stranger would be so concerned and care so much for me. What did she want in return? Was it a trick to bring me back to faith? At the time I didn’t need any religion to know that I killed my two babies and I was convinced that turning to God would just make it worse.

Theresa kept calling me even when I wasn’t returning her calls or when I wasn’t responding to what she had to offer. She kept caring for me unconditionally while I thought I wasn’t worth so much attention and support.

It finally took me a lot of courage to attend the Entering Canaan Day of Hope & Healing for post-abortive women in the Bronx developed by Theresa & the Sisters of Life. I did all I could within myself to avoid going, but my despair was greater than my fear, so I finally went. That’s when everything began to change.

That day something happened to me. I could tell you that I cried like I never cried before. That my entire body ached, and I couldn’t even speak. My pain was too deep to be expressed through words, but I can also tell you that contrary to what I anticipated, I felt safe. No one judged me and I received so much support that I let go and surrender to the pain inside of me. I also learned (and am still learning) words like forgiveness, unconditional love, compassion for others and for myself… but that day the greatest thing also happened to me: God entered my life!

I continued in the ministry attending the weekend retreats and monthly “Gatherings” and slowly processed what was needed for me to face myself and what had happened. Today, I am a changed woman. Not only have accepted my abortions, but I also have a better understanding as to why I got into such self-destructive behaviors in the past. Things have become much clearer. I have a better sense of who I am and I treat myself with more respect and dignity. Of course, there are still steps towards healing, but I am moving forward with God on my side and that’s what matters.

Until my abortions I did not have faith. I spent years in an atheist/hedonist cult.  I didn’t have much hope.  I was depressed, angry at the world, and cynical since I thought I knew better. Now everything has changed. I feel that there is something grander and greater: God. He has forgiven me.  He loves me, supports me, and protects me. For once in my life, there is Hope.

I thought that I would carry my burden and sins forever but, through the sharing in this ministry and also a post abortion group at Midtown Pregnancy Support Center,  I understood that I am not my sins, that when I committed the worst I didn’t know better (now I do), and that God wants me to be free and happy.

And one day, through His mercy and goodness, I’ll meet my children!
Christiane Zufferey

Are you living in darkness and depression after an abortion?
Unable to get past the pain of your loss? 
There is Hope.  There is Healing.  There is a way out of the darkness.
Visit Lumina at www.postabortionhelp.org
Email us at lumina@postabortionhelp.org
Call us at 1-877-586-4621 or 1-718-881-8008