Todays Readings: Fifth Sunday of Lent
The regret is so great, its been over 40 years, I gave her up for what… a prideful, self-centered
career. When I see my friends and family with their children and grandchildren celebrating life
events, births, baptisms, confirmations and weddings, the pain of regret pierces my heart. I
gave up a little one’s life for material success.
I thought the decision I made when I was just a teenager would “take care of things” so I could proceed with “my” plans for my life. Well it never really did; it was buried deep in my heart and mind. It was the underlying reason of living a somewhat double life. Attending mass Sunday but going back to a life of partying, drinking, and unhealthy relationships, deeply masking the pain and looking for “love” in all the wrong places. Never opening my heart enough to allow the only One who had the power to extend compassion and mercy and truly love me as I so longed for. Healing slowly came, it is amazing how God can break through and work all things into good. Meditation practice slowly opened my heart to thinking about and asking that little girl who didn’t have a chance at life to forgive me.
Asking God to forgive me was another matter
The self-loathing condemnations repeated in my mind until the ultimate occurred. I was broken and at rock bottom. However, God miraculously saved me from a suicide attempt. While my journey has taking many ups and downs it was the Lumina post abortion healing retreat that showed me HIS love. A safe place where I surrendered myself to Gods’ unwavering mercy. I could relate personally to the words of today’s psalmist, (psalm 51), words that became my words. “Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness and compassion wipe out my offense. Thoroughly wash me of my guilt and cleanse me of my sin. Create a clean heart in me of God.”
And as I reflect on the Gospel of John 12:20 where Jesus says:
unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies,
it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit.
Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world
will preserve it for eternal life.
The ways of my former life have died, and I continue to turn my ways to the one who has graced me with the hope and promise of eternal life with God. -Anonymous
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