I had two abortions, one with my first boyfriend at 16 years old, the second at age 39. At 16 I did not have the ability to understand the far-reaching effects of what I had done, though they riddled my life: depression, excessive drinking, unhealthy relationship choices, self-harm, self-hatred, silent shame, silent guilt. Life carried on, but I was seriously “wounded.”
At 39, and as a result of an emotionally abusive relationship, and against my better judgement, I was manipulated and bullied into getting my second abortion. Fear was a major contributor.
At 39, I had the faculties, supports and ability to face what I had done without trying to justify it, ignore it or act out in any way. What did I find? That the “Lord IS near to the broken hearted”…I couldn’t tell you how many nights I suffered the agonizing pain of the loss of my child, on my couch, a box of tissues, a poodle and a desperate invitation to God to send help. He never once left me alone – that doesn’t mean I did not feel the pain. I did, and it was excruciating. There were nights of such deep despair and pain, I thought I would die. “And those that are crushed in spirit he saves.” I hate the irony that I’ve never felt so close to God as in that despair, truly crushed and broken. And he did save me, and what a journey that has been and still is.
Your pain is real because your child was real. Today I encourage you to bring that pain to the foot of the Cross as many times as you feel it. He will meet you there, and you will find that His Mercy is greater than the greatest pain. -Christina