“I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked man, says the Lord,
but rather in his conversion, that he may live.”
Having my abortion nearly killed me. Even though I had put into place self-care rituals and supports for myself, it wasn’t long after the procedure that I was pummeled by the crushing reality of what I had done. Although I was able to get through my work-life responsibilities, I would spend my evenings and weekends huddled up on my couch, crippled by, but yet facing the reality of what I had done. I truly did not think I was going to make it through my post abortive experience…the pain was that great. Every day, I would cry and when it became too much for me to bear, I would beg God for his help. Each time I reached out to Him, he assured me He was with me. The following summer, time had helped to dull the pain, but the weight of it had anchored itself inside me, so I spent many days desperately inviting Jesus to change my heart, praying to St Jude and to the Blessed Mother. What I am trying to tell you, is that I knocked really, really, REALLY hard; I was desperate and broken and it wasn’t letting up, even though I could still tend to all of my life “responsibilities.”
I just never expected the answer would be greater than the degree to which I knocked.
It wasn’t instantaneous, but He was with me all along. My deepest conversion and healing didn’t not happen until two years after my abortion, God has His plan, and he definitely needed time to prepare me for the depth of conversion I asked for I was about to experience. Afterwards, it took me a while to even begin to make sense of his intervention in my life.
I remember being in church and hearing readings, similar to today’s:
Then light shall rise for you in the darkness,
and the gloom shall become for you like midday;
I remember stopping in my tracks and realizing, “I think…I think this is happening to me.” Not sure where to turn, I contacted Theresa and continued my true journey to healing. Today, trust that He can bring good out of our worst sins, because He can. Believe that joy and hope and healing are possible beyond your wildest expectations through Him. “Jesus, I trust in you.”