Todays Readings: Thursday of the Fourth Week of Lent
But you do not want to come to me to have life.” JN 5:40
Don’t want to come to you!? How could Jesus be saying this to me? Haven’t I begged for forgiveness? But wait, haven’t I felt I’ve done the unforgivable… therefore unforgiven.
Haven’t I pictured how appropriate it would feel, if I could carry a big heavy cross on my back? Have I not been feeling it there all along? I came to realize just what I did when I aborted my child. And, even after feeling the grace from confessing this, I slipped back into feelings of unworthiness, guilt and shame. I thought I knew who Jesus was, but how could I, if I figured he had come to save everyone but me?
I was blessed to hear about Rachel‘s Vineyard, a post-abortion healing ministry, and my road to healing began as I walked in the door of the retreat house. There was a young woman being helped to the registration desk by a friend. This young woman was so broken with shame and guilt that she couldn’t even stand up straight. Her friend handed her over to the retreat leader saying, “Please take care of her.” I thought to myself, God does not want this for her! Then immediately the thought came to me, if He doesn’t want this for her, He must not want this for me. This was the first blessing of being with a post-abortion healing ministry. Was I hanging on to the guilt of my abortion because it somehow showed how sorry I was? Would letting go mean letting go of my child?
Through reading Saint Faustina‘s diary, where Jesus tells us the biggest sinners deserve the biggest portion of his Mercy, and through much prayer and hearing other women’s stories, I believe I have come to know Jesus. So, I do go to Him. I hand over all my sin, and my joys. We must ask ourselves “Do we truly know Jesus and do we want to go to Jesus?”
Project Rachel Ministry
Diocese of Syracuse NY